Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
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It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Breaking news:
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.