[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]