Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

The hardest thing Vision has to do

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style