Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

I laughed at this way too hard.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.