[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep