[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Cucumbers Anonymous
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.