[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
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“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.