[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
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BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭