You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Finally!
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.