*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
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My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.