*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please