Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?

Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful