*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
🍛
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?