*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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Sharon, call the vet
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Godspeed, John Glenn
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.