*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
The honesty is refreshing
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.