Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

Today’s tshirt

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

my retirement plan is braless

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)