*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
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6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
WHO DID THIS?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.