*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
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I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Bruh
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.