Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

Sir!!

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.