Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

A couple who are silly together stay together.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.