So, are you a sub? *he looks into my eyes*
What do you mean, like a sandwich?
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
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COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them.
Always finish what you start.
Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Door says push.. I pull.. If it says pull I push.. I’m ether a hardcore Rebel or I need glasses…
me: dad, how do i make a girl like me
dad: treat her like a princess
me: [executes her in a socialist revolution]
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.