@GrowlyGrego

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

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@pinupteacher

So, are you a sub? *he looks into my eyes*

What do you mean, like a sandwich?

@jonnysun

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

@Fab_Mommy_

Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them.

Always finish what you start.

@AristotlesNZ

Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

@Ellierocks2013

Door says push.. I pull.. If it says pull I push.. I’m ether a hardcore Rebel or I need glasses…

@arcadeseals

me: dad, how do i make a girl like me

dad: treat her like a princess

{later}

me: [executes her in a socialist revolution]

@Whatevah_Amy

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

@BillFienberg

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.