*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
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The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR