*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
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i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
