Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three