Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship