[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
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What
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
hey, alexa
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
No flush