Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.