@xLiserx

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

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@not_delicate

“Oh yeah? Define obsessed,” I demand, as I pull my shirt back down to cover the tattoo of your face on my stomach

@benicus_rex

WHAT DO WE WANT
to stop shrinking
???? ?? ?? ???? ??
?? ???? ?? ???????? ??????

@Swain_Train47

Bernie Sanders was going to do a parody of Trump’s slogan for his campaign but “Make America Bern Again” didn’t go over well with marketing.

@corinnemlwsw

This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.

@hippieswordfish

*pretends to throw a ball and my dog chases after it*
haha idiot
*checks email*
holy shit i won a million dollars??

@girlontapas

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.