*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
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As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I saw this ending much differently.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds