*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
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I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone