*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
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My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
True
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Social distancing in Australia:
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”