Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.