Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

me, after any kind of buffet.

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.