Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

“FOUND ‘EM!”

I bet birds love this building.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.