Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.