[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
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The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
White parent Vs Arab parents
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT