[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
gentlemen, hear me out
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”