@amazymay72x
sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.
whos laughing now?
@rockymomax
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
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@amazymay72x
@awildhope
On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat’s all chatty… I cover the receiver and hiss “Shhh, you want them to hear you?”
@slimmy_shady
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
@TuSoonShakur
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
@canadasandra
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
@Froschauer_AF
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
@ThisLocalHater
Me, eating an onion like an apple: Let me tell you why your relationships fail, pal
@Jawwwwwsh
Idea: spotify notifies ur friends when they think ur sad like “josh listened to Deja Entendu 30 times this week, Maybe buy him ice cream?”
@AmishPornStar1
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
@ClichedOut
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?