[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
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As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food