[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
You Might Also Like
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms