Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

every college guy’s fridge

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.