Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

It’s actually Dr. whatever