*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
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If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
can’t catch a break
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps