*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
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Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.