[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
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oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
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