[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
You Might Also Like
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.