[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
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Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I did not eat the cake…