*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Guilty! 🤪
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
