*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
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First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you