*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

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ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair


If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.


Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…


*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*


My grandma keeps talking about her monthly checks, prescription drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she’s a rapper.


My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.


HIM: it’s not necessary to say “testing 1-2-3” into the microphone every time. do you understand?

ME: check-check. yes, your honor.