ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
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If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
My grandma keeps talking about her monthly checks, prescription drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she’s a rapper.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
HIM: it’s not necessary to say “testing 1-2-3” into the microphone every time. do you understand?
ME: check-check. yes, your honor.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk