*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
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Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it