[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
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It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
The morning after pill, but for tweets
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.