[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
You Might Also Like
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Put this video in the Louvre
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this