[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.