@TheRolo

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

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@WisdomGifs

You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.

How ionic.

@repomon

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

@mammascorpio_r

How to make meals for toddlers:

Step 1. Choose any food.

Step 2. Throw it away.

@not_thenanny

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

@iamspacegirl

“Makin all the ladies drop they panties” I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria’s Secret.

@UncleDuke1969

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

@CantWaitToNap

My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.

Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.

@TweetPotato314

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

@DirtMcTurd

I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now but I’m still proud…