You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?
*Refrigerator hums loudly*
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Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
How to make meals for toddlers:
Step 1. Choose any food.
Step 2. Throw it away.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“Makin all the ladies drop they panties” I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria’s Secret.
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.
Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now but I’m still proud…