Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable