Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

The happy life.. 😊

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

For when Tinder doesn’t work

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?