[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
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It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.