Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

For cardio I live beyond my means.

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

yall want some gasoline milk

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area