[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
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Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.