*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
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Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS