Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

me: my friends:

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

hmmmmmm

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

Guantanamo Bae

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”