*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
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An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Beauty and the Beast
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
These 3D printers are insane!
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.