*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
You Might Also Like
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]