Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs