Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?