Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

love pickles so much i put myself in one

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.