Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.