*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
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who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.