Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

Banking tips

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.