*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
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My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Truth
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.