Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

Always…

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.