Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

could’ve been anyone

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.