*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
You Might Also Like
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Same pineapple, same
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start