*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
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[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”