Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.