Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay