Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

You look like you would fail a DNA test

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.