Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
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Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Just me and my debit card against the world
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
As a doctor, I can confirm
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.