Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.