Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

i just found this in my phone

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”